Saturday, October 30, 2021
Thursday, October 28, 2021
Wednesday, October 27, 2021
Tuesday, October 26, 2021
The Winner's Circle
Today, we have her, yep, she's going back in!
HNOC: *walks into boss's office, sees homeless-people-shopping-cart-races*
Boss: *runs over to Chick, fist full of singles*
HNOC: "I'm sure people have gone to Hell for FAR less!"
Boss: "Duuude, WAAAY better than ANY dice game!"
HNOC: "You're a Monster."
Boss: "You want in on this sweet action?"
HNOC: "Do you even know how wrong this is?"
Boss: "See, the losers have to ride IN the carts! It's brilliant!"
Chick can't even. Not even a little.
HNOC: "Would it do any good to ask? Why in GOD'S name would you even do this?"
Boss: "It's raining."
HNOC: "Aaaand?"
Boss: "Well if we were outside, everybody'd get wet. So doing it in here keeps us all dry. Duh."
HNOC: "Oh my God..."
Boss: "I'm a humanitarian. Always for the little guy!"
HNOC: "There's uh, No... NO... No, No, NO!"
Boss: "You in or out??"
HNOC: *clears throat angrily*
Boss: "Gotta get back to it, my guy's winning!!" *excited*
Chick walks out, closing the door.
HNOC: *yells to the entire outer office* "Can somebody padlock this door, from the outside??"
HNOC: *walks into boss's office, sees homeless-people-shopping-cart-races*
Boss: *runs over to Chick, fist full of singles*
HNOC: "I'm sure people have gone to Hell for FAR less!"
Boss: "Duuude, WAAAY better than ANY dice game!"
HNOC: "You're a Monster."
Boss: "You want in on this sweet action?"
HNOC: "Do you even know how wrong this is?"
Boss: "See, the losers have to ride IN the carts! It's brilliant!"
Chick can't even. Not even a little.
HNOC: "Would it do any good to ask? Why in GOD'S name would you even do this?"
Boss: "It's raining."
HNOC: "Aaaand?"
Boss: "Well if we were outside, everybody'd get wet. So doing it in here keeps us all dry. Duh."
HNOC: "Oh my God..."
Boss: "I'm a humanitarian. Always for the little guy!"
HNOC: "There's uh, No... NO... No, No, NO!"
Boss: "You in or out??"
HNOC: *clears throat angrily*
Boss: "Gotta get back to it, my guy's winning!!" *excited*
Chick walks out, closing the door.
HNOC: *yells to the entire outer office* "Can somebody padlock this door, from the outside??"
Bits & Pieces [Boss & Chick]
So, these are just some odds & ends, little instances where Chick walks in and without stopping - does a u-turn and exits her Boss's office. Because he's a total idiot and she's got better things to do. Usually.
Boss: "You ever been to a brothel?"
HNOC: *U-turn exit*
Boss: "Did my speculum ever come in?"
HNOC: *U-turn exit*
Boss: "Can you look down my throat?"
HNOC: *U-turn exit*
Boss: *standing on desk in nothing but whitey-tighty's* "JESSEEE!!!"
HNOC: *U-turn exit*
HNOC: *U-turn exit*
Boss: *holding up a PVC gimp suit* "Can you try this on?"
HNOC: *U-turn exit*
Boss: "Hey, you think testicles ever get jealous of each other?"
HNOC: *U-turn exit*
Boss: *splashing in a kiddie-pool singing 'You Are My Sunshine" wearing only a speed-o*
HNOC: *U-turn exit*
Boss: *running across the office in a giant, clear hamster ball*
HNOC: *U-turn exit*
HNOC: *U-turn exit*
Boss: "You think those elves ever plot to kill Santa? I mean, those are some pretty fucked up working conditions!"
HNOC: *U-turn exit*
Boss: *holds up both hands, closed* "Which one!!"
HNOC: *U-turn exit*
Boss: "You think arson is just sexual frustration?"
HNOC: *U-turn exit*
Boss: "You ever try to pee standing up?"
HNOC: *U-turn exit*
Boss: *doing the Flashdance routine with "She's A Maniac" blasting loud*
HNOC: *U-turn exit*
HNOC: *U-turn exit*
Boss: *sitting atop a gator in nothing but boxers, hands around muzzle* "Say UNCLE, you DIRTY! WHORE!!"
HNOC: *U-turn exit*
Boss: *dressed in clown suit, full clown make-up, chainsaw-sculpting a huge tree trunk*
HNOC: *U-turn exit*
HNOC: *U-turn exit*
Boss: "Train heist?"
HNOC: "BREAKING! BAD! IS! NOT! REAL!" *storms out*
Boss: "Petting zoo!!"
HNOC: "I'm gonna need more than that..."
Boss: "That's what she said!!" *howls with laughter*
HNOC: *glares menacingly*
Boss: "What makes it SO funny, is you literally just said that! Get it??"
HNOC: "What about the petting zoo??"
Boss: "Oooh, yeah, I wanna start one!"
HNOC: "Hmm, not a terrible idea..."
Boss: "Right here in my office!"
HNOC: "Urgh God I'm going..." *leaves office*
Boss: "Hot-air ballooning!!"
HNOC: *waits for it*
Boss: "Yes? No?"
HNOC: "In what capacity?"
Boss: "I wanna go watch some, live and in person!"
HNOC: "OK, not bad, where to?"
Boss: "Guatemala!!" *rubs hands together deviously*
HNOC: "Aww Jeez, do they even do that down there??"
Boss: "Who cares, we can light that fire for 'em!!"
HNOC: *walks out*
Boss: *painting a HUGE canvas on the floor, using his nude body as a brush*
HNOC: "Oh my GOD, why don't you just stay home???" *runs out*
Boss: *standing in front of easel, nude female modeling on couch*
HNOC: "Jeezus God damn, this really is just your own disgusting little playground isn't it?"
Boss: "Check it out!" *motions to the canvas*
HNOC: *looks, sees terrible stick figure with excessively over-sized boobs... again*
HNOC: *to the model* "I don't know what he's paying you, but I'd ask for double!" *walks out*
Boss: "You ever have a girl-on-girl adventure??"
HNOC: *U-turn exit*
Boss: "You ever think Life is just a bum deal?"
HNOC: "Uh, well... sometimes, it's not super-great but, it's not all that bad."
Boss: "Kids dying of cancer, puppies & kittens gettin run over, Chuck E. Cheese going out of business..."
HNOC: *bugs eyes a little* "You can't go through life with all that on your mind, it's pointless."
HNOC: *walks over to windows, pulls curtains back* "There, get a little light in here!"
Boss: "Thanks..."
HNOC: *stands beside Boss as he sits moping at desk*
HNOC: "Just try to focus on the good things in your life, that helps."
Boss: "I guess you're right." *looks up at Chick*
Boss: "Hey, your hair is really pretty today."
HNOC: "Aww, thanks!"
Boss: "Will you slap me in the face with your tits?"
HNOC: "You just can't do it, can you??? Not ONE single time can you have a civil conversation without bringing tits, asses or retarded illegal behavior into it! Uuurrggh!!!" *storms out, AGAIN*
Chick: *U-turn exit*
Boss: "You ever had your toes sucked? Like an angry dog trying to get peanut butter off the roof of its mouth?"
Chick: *U-turn exit*
Boss: "You believe in God? What about these God-damn tiddies??" *turns computer monitor around*
Chick: *U-turn exit*
Boss: "I need a good, HARD spanking!" *bent over desk, holds up dominatrix paddle*
Chick: *U-turn exit*
Boss: *dancing around with mannequin scream-singing Atlantic Starr's 'Always'...*
Chick: *U-turn exit*
Boss: *sitting at desk, appears to be looking down into his pants* "Hey, tell me if this looks infected."
Chick: *U-turn exit*
Boss: "Let's prank call 9-1-1!!"
Chick: *U-turn exit*
Boss: *fake-nailed to a 2 x 4 cross wearing a paper Burger King crown*
Chick: "Ya know, you were already going straight to Hell, this just insures your VIP pass."
That's Amore!!
Chick finds herself with more paperwork needing to be signed-off on. If only she had taken that job across town... at that office that actually pays their employees.
HNOC: *enters office*
Boss: "Hey!! What do ya want on your pie??"
Boss is standing there holding a pizza pan lined with a fresh rollout of dough. His entire office has been kitted out to look [AND operate!] just like a Domino's Pizza kitchen.
HNOC: "This is actually the most sensible thing I've ever seen happen in here. EVER, really."
Boss: "Well, I figured it would save on time, ya know, always having you go down to Alberto's for our orders. Just nip it in the bud and do it ourselves!"
HNOC: "Wow, I'm totally surprized at how industrious you're being. Good call, Boss!"
Boss: "That's why I get the big chair!"
HNOC: "I thought it was because of your hemorr..." *Boss interrupts*
Boss: "So! You going all the way? Super Supreme?? Extra cheese? Jalapenos?? *into it*
HNOC: *thinks* "Mmmm... I'm not really feelin' pizza today."
Boss: *jogs over to walk-in fridge* "Aaay, we've got it all!! Feast those baby blues on THIS!!"
HNOC: "My eyes are green."
Boss: "Blue, green, same difference!"
HNOC: "Not even the same thing."
Boss: "Check THIS out!!" *goes inside, walks out pushing a popcorn machine on wheels*
HNOC: "Ooh, wow... popcorn... whyyyy did you have it in, nevermind, just nevermind..."
Boss: "It's not just for movie-night anymore!!"
HNOC: "Yeeeaah, I brought my lunch today, sooo..."
Boss: "You're gonna choose PB & J over my movie-theater popcorn??"
HNOC: "I'll have you know I made a delicious cold tuna & pasta salad. Jerk."
Boss: "So you can have a side dish. What's wrong with that?"
HNOC: "When did you even have this walk-in fridge installed?"
Boss: *pushes up his sleeves, cracks his knuckles, flares his eyes*
HNOC: "None of this is up to code, is it?"
Boss: "Duuude, what do I look like?"
HNOC: "Uh, well, we had this conversation before and it ended badly, for you."
Boss: "It's ALL been taken care of!"
HNOC: "Ooh, God, well I know I'll sleep better now!"
Boss: "You wanna help me put the first pie in?"
HNOC: "And then I can go?"
Boss: "Sure!"
Chick heads over to the long pizza oven with Boss. He hands her the pan and she slides it onto the rack. That's not moving. Wonderful.
HNOC: "Nothing's happening."
Boss: "This ain't a microwave."
HNOC: "No, I mean the frickin rack isn't moving. *holds hand near opening* "There's NO HEAT!"
Boss: "What are you talking about?" *sticks head near opening of oven*
HNOC: "Is this thing even connected?"
Boss: "Of course it is, I'm no idiot!"
HNOC: *cracks up*
Boss: "My guy said it takes a while to heat up, gas and all."
HNOC: *revelations* "This, is a GAS oven?"
Boss: "Yeah, why?"
HNOC: *longer than usual facepalm* "This building is all electric."
Boss: *stares at the oven, then at Chick, and back to the oven*
HNOC: *sighs and crosses her arms*
Boss: "So it'll just take a little longer. Where you gotta be??"
HNOC: *enters office*
Boss: "Hey!! What do ya want on your pie??"
Boss is standing there holding a pizza pan lined with a fresh rollout of dough. His entire office has been kitted out to look [AND operate!] just like a Domino's Pizza kitchen.
HNOC: "This is actually the most sensible thing I've ever seen happen in here. EVER, really."
Boss: "Well, I figured it would save on time, ya know, always having you go down to Alberto's for our orders. Just nip it in the bud and do it ourselves!"
HNOC: "Wow, I'm totally surprized at how industrious you're being. Good call, Boss!"
Boss: "That's why I get the big chair!"
HNOC: "I thought it was because of your hemorr..." *Boss interrupts*
Boss: "So! You going all the way? Super Supreme?? Extra cheese? Jalapenos?? *into it*
HNOC: *thinks* "Mmmm... I'm not really feelin' pizza today."
Boss: *jogs over to walk-in fridge* "Aaay, we've got it all!! Feast those baby blues on THIS!!"
HNOC: "My eyes are green."
Boss: "Blue, green, same difference!"
HNOC: "Not even the same thing."
Boss: "Check THIS out!!" *goes inside, walks out pushing a popcorn machine on wheels*
HNOC: "Ooh, wow... popcorn... whyyyy did you have it in, nevermind, just nevermind..."
Boss: "It's not just for movie-night anymore!!"
HNOC: "Yeeeaah, I brought my lunch today, sooo..."
Boss: "You're gonna choose PB & J over my movie-theater popcorn??"
HNOC: "I'll have you know I made a delicious cold tuna & pasta salad. Jerk."
Boss: "So you can have a side dish. What's wrong with that?"
HNOC: "When did you even have this walk-in fridge installed?"
Boss: *pushes up his sleeves, cracks his knuckles, flares his eyes*
HNOC: "None of this is up to code, is it?"
Boss: "Duuude, what do I look like?"
HNOC: "Uh, well, we had this conversation before and it ended badly, for you."
Boss: "It's ALL been taken care of!"
HNOC: "Ooh, God, well I know I'll sleep better now!"
Boss: "You wanna help me put the first pie in?"
HNOC: "And then I can go?"
Boss: "Sure!"
Chick heads over to the long pizza oven with Boss. He hands her the pan and she slides it onto the rack. That's not moving. Wonderful.
HNOC: "Nothing's happening."
Boss: "This ain't a microwave."
HNOC: "No, I mean the frickin rack isn't moving. *holds hand near opening* "There's NO HEAT!"
Boss: "What are you talking about?" *sticks head near opening of oven*
HNOC: "Is this thing even connected?"
Boss: "Of course it is, I'm no idiot!"
HNOC: *cracks up*
Boss: "My guy said it takes a while to heat up, gas and all."
HNOC: *revelations* "This, is a GAS oven?"
Boss: "Yeah, why?"
HNOC: *longer than usual facepalm* "This building is all electric."
Boss: *stares at the oven, then at Chick, and back to the oven*
HNOC: *sighs and crosses her arms*
Boss: "So it'll just take a little longer. Where you gotta be??"
The YouTube Video: Part II
Boss and Chick arrive at their local Walgreens. This actually looks promising.*lmao*
Boss: *turns that bottle of MD up for a good long pull*
HNOC: "Oh, please, drink the ENTIRE thing!"
Boss: *belches loudly*
HNOC: *sighs*
Boss: "Well alright! Let's make history!!"
Boss jumps from the Geo Metro with vigor. Chick is a little less enthused.
HNOC: "Could ya watch the paint please?"
Boss: "Babe, after today, you'll be driving THREE of these beauts!"
HNOC: "I'm not really sure this is an 'I own three of them' kind of car.
Boss: "Nevermind, you can just buy the fuckin dealership!"
HNOC: "Gaaawwwd I hate you."
Boss: "OK! Let's DO this!!"
They walk over to the fully-stuffed dumpster. Boss is salivating. Chick looks like she's gonna throw-up.
Boss: "Here we go!"
HNOC: *sarcastically* "Yeah, woohoo"
Boss: "Wheneeeeever you're ready..."
HNOC: "OH, you thought I was going in there??"
Boss: "Uh, yeah, totally... sooo up and in!"
HNOC: "Does one bottle always get you this drunk?"
Boss: "Come on, I'll make a stirrup for ya!" *crouching and interlacing fingers upward*
HNOC: *walks back to car*
Boss: "Heeeey!! No guts no glory!"
HNOC: "YOU, can have ALL the glory you want! Have fun in your giant metal box of disease!"
Boss: "Where ya goin?"
HNOC: "Anywhere but here!"
Boss has to think his way out of this one.
Boss: "OK, fiiiine, I'll go in..."
Chick gives boss the famous squint, then returns to the dumpster.
HNOC: "What are you even hoping to find in there?"
Boss: "Treasures, dear girl, luxurious treasures!"
HNOC: *shaking her head*
Boss: *climbs inside* "Argh, this is... cozy..."
HNOC: "Well you look right at home!"
Boss: *shoots Chick a peeved expression*
HNOC: *steps closer, peers inside* "Oh look, I think I can see my future. It's tangled up in your code of ethics!"
Boss: "You know, for once, would it kill you just to have a little positivity? Just ONCE?"
HNOC: "This job ruined that prospect looong ago!"
Boss is really going for it, digging deep!
HNOC: "OK, you are WAY too in-there to be getting back in my car now!"
Boss: "What are you talking about? It'll brush right off!
HNOC: "Not even with a blow-torch"
Boss: "Speaking of blowing..."
HNOC: "Did you know HR moved floors? Yeah, they're only 2 doors down from your office now."
Boss: *clears throat* "This would be going a lot faster if you helped!"
HNOC: "I AM helping!"
Boss: "Uh, HOW exactly?"
HNOC: "Look-out duty"
Boss: "Look what the what??
HNOC: "Keeping an eye on things, clearing the coast?"
Boss: "We're behind a drug store!"
HNOC: "Don't act indignant, you only just learned what they're called twenty minutes ago!"
The back door to the pharmacy opens, a young man approaches with trash.
Young Man: "Uh, hey... y'all can't be back here."
Boss and Chick both panic. Could this be the end for them?
HNOC: "Uuuuuuuh, it's OK, we're just, uuuh, he lost his watch, I think?"
Boss: "Uh yeah! Yeah, I lost my watch and uh...
The jig is up!
Boss: *screams* "RUN!!"
Chick sprints to her car, gets in and races away. Boss leaps from the dumpster, stumbling around trying to get his balance.
The young man stands there viewing this unearthly spectacle.
HNOC: *screeches from the parking lot*
Boss: *yells while running away* "It was her fault! We were looking for her cat! Dog! Dear God I think I have termites on my skin! RACCOOOOOOONS!!!"
Young Man: *sighs* "I really need a new job..."
Boss: *turns that bottle of MD up for a good long pull*
HNOC: "Oh, please, drink the ENTIRE thing!"
Boss: *belches loudly*
HNOC: *sighs*
Boss: "Well alright! Let's make history!!"
Boss jumps from the Geo Metro with vigor. Chick is a little less enthused.
HNOC: "Could ya watch the paint please?"
Boss: "Babe, after today, you'll be driving THREE of these beauts!"
HNOC: "I'm not really sure this is an 'I own three of them' kind of car.
Boss: "Nevermind, you can just buy the fuckin dealership!"
HNOC: "Gaaawwwd I hate you."
Boss: "OK! Let's DO this!!"
They walk over to the fully-stuffed dumpster. Boss is salivating. Chick looks like she's gonna throw-up.
Boss: "Here we go!"
HNOC: *sarcastically* "Yeah, woohoo"
Boss: "Wheneeeeever you're ready..."
HNOC: "OH, you thought I was going in there??"
Boss: "Uh, yeah, totally... sooo up and in!"
HNOC: "Does one bottle always get you this drunk?"
Boss: "Come on, I'll make a stirrup for ya!" *crouching and interlacing fingers upward*
HNOC: *walks back to car*
Boss: "Heeeey!! No guts no glory!"
HNOC: "YOU, can have ALL the glory you want! Have fun in your giant metal box of disease!"
Boss: "Where ya goin?"
HNOC: "Anywhere but here!"
Boss has to think his way out of this one.
Boss: "OK, fiiiine, I'll go in..."
Chick gives boss the famous squint, then returns to the dumpster.
HNOC: "What are you even hoping to find in there?"
Boss: "Treasures, dear girl, luxurious treasures!"
HNOC: *shaking her head*
Boss: *climbs inside* "Argh, this is... cozy..."
HNOC: "Well you look right at home!"
Boss: *shoots Chick a peeved expression*
HNOC: *steps closer, peers inside* "Oh look, I think I can see my future. It's tangled up in your code of ethics!"
Boss: "You know, for once, would it kill you just to have a little positivity? Just ONCE?"
HNOC: "This job ruined that prospect looong ago!"
Boss is really going for it, digging deep!
HNOC: "OK, you are WAY too in-there to be getting back in my car now!"
Boss: "What are you talking about? It'll brush right off!
HNOC: "Not even with a blow-torch"
Boss: "Speaking of blowing..."
HNOC: "Did you know HR moved floors? Yeah, they're only 2 doors down from your office now."
Boss: *clears throat* "This would be going a lot faster if you helped!"
HNOC: "I AM helping!"
Boss: "Uh, HOW exactly?"
HNOC: "Look-out duty"
Boss: "Look what the what??
HNOC: "Keeping an eye on things, clearing the coast?"
Boss: "We're behind a drug store!"
HNOC: "Don't act indignant, you only just learned what they're called twenty minutes ago!"
The back door to the pharmacy opens, a young man approaches with trash.
Young Man: "Uh, hey... y'all can't be back here."
Boss and Chick both panic. Could this be the end for them?
HNOC: "Uuuuuuuh, it's OK, we're just, uuuh, he lost his watch, I think?"
Boss: "Uh yeah! Yeah, I lost my watch and uh...
The jig is up!
Boss: *screams* "RUN!!"
Chick sprints to her car, gets in and races away. Boss leaps from the dumpster, stumbling around trying to get his balance.
The young man stands there viewing this unearthly spectacle.
HNOC: *screeches from the parking lot*
Boss: *yells while running away* "It was her fault! We were looking for her cat! Dog! Dear God I think I have termites on my skin! RACCOOOOOOONS!!!"
Young Man: *sighs* "I really need a new job..."
The YouTube Video
Boss has Chick meet him behind their office building. Oh this should be gooooood... lol
HNOC: "OK, what's all this then?"
Boss: "Awesome, glad you could make it!"
HNOC: "Oh you know me, wouldn't miss it for the world!" *obvious sarcasm*
Boss: "So, I saw this chick on YouTube..."
HNOC: "OK, I'm going back to work now..."
Boss: "No, wait, she had all her clothes on this time"
HNOC: "That offers me absolutely NO comfort"
Boss: "She was like a madman, totally going for it, I was jazzed the fuck up!"
HNOC: "This still YouTube you're talkin about?"
Boss: "It's called dumpster-diving!!" *super excited*
HNOC: "Ooooh God, No! Nooooo, I'm not doing it. I'm going back now..."
Boss: "Wait! Don't you want to hear about all the cool stuff she found?"
HNOC: "What, like typhus, hep C, lockjaw, AIDS?"
Boss: "Dude, are you always this much of a buzzkill?"
HNOC: "Only when you're this much of a retard!"
Boss: "So you're not interested?"
HNOC: "Wow, and it only took five whole minutes of my life that I'LL never see again!"
Boss: "OK, fine... but... Rudy came back today."
HNOC: *stares blankly*
Rudy is a fellow employee that really has it in for Chick. Even more than Boss. He's been out with an injury for a few weeks but has returned. Chick has a decision to make.
HNOC: "I don't win, in ANY of this, do I?"
Boss: *whispers* "There are TREASURES awaiting us, right in there!" *points to what he thinks is a dumpster*
HNOC: *grabs forehead* "THAT... is the cardboard compactor..."
Boss: *thinks a moment* "Uh, is cardboard useless?"
HNOC: "I'd say it's about on par with You."
Boss: "Hmm... strategy change..."
HNOC: "I really DO hate you, sooooo very much."
Boss has an epiphany. Or maybe just another silly idea. We'll see...
Boss: "Hold on, she was also going to... *snaps fingers repeatedly* "Fuck, what are those places?"
HNOC: *closes eyes, shakes head*
Boss: "Where people go to buy drugs!?"
HNOC: "Uuuh, drug dealers?"
Boss: *looks at Chick with contempt* "Exactly how stupid DO you think I am?"
HNOC: "Oh my God, you do NOT want me to answer that!"
Boss: "Uh, those places... shit, like the place you get those weird sponges you use?"
He's referring to IUD's. Which Chick has never used. Yeah.
HNOC: "Jesus Christ, you mean a drug store?"
Boss: "YES!! A drug store! She went behind a drug store and cleaned UP!"
Chick is weighing out her options. Go back to work and get ogled by Rudy the Rapist [eye-rape, calm down! lol] OR traipse around town with her mentally defective boss and possibly catch a disease or be arrested.
Decisions, decisions...
HNOC: "So I'm driving, I take it?"
Boss: "Good girl! Now I can crack this bottle of MD 20/20!"
HNOC: *sighs* "Of course, because it would just be weird if you weren't drinking wino booze at 10am"
They head for Chick's car to begin their adventure in.... DUMPSTER-DIVING!!!
HNOC: "OK, what's all this then?"
Boss: "Awesome, glad you could make it!"
HNOC: "Oh you know me, wouldn't miss it for the world!" *obvious sarcasm*
Boss: "So, I saw this chick on YouTube..."
HNOC: "OK, I'm going back to work now..."
Boss: "No, wait, she had all her clothes on this time"
HNOC: "That offers me absolutely NO comfort"
Boss: "She was like a madman, totally going for it, I was jazzed the fuck up!"
HNOC: "This still YouTube you're talkin about?"
Boss: "It's called dumpster-diving!!" *super excited*
HNOC: "Ooooh God, No! Nooooo, I'm not doing it. I'm going back now..."
Boss: "Wait! Don't you want to hear about all the cool stuff she found?"
HNOC: "What, like typhus, hep C, lockjaw, AIDS?"
Boss: "Dude, are you always this much of a buzzkill?"
HNOC: "Only when you're this much of a retard!"
Boss: "So you're not interested?"
HNOC: "Wow, and it only took five whole minutes of my life that I'LL never see again!"
Boss: "OK, fine... but... Rudy came back today."
HNOC: *stares blankly*
Rudy is a fellow employee that really has it in for Chick. Even more than Boss. He's been out with an injury for a few weeks but has returned. Chick has a decision to make.
HNOC: "I don't win, in ANY of this, do I?"
Boss: *whispers* "There are TREASURES awaiting us, right in there!" *points to what he thinks is a dumpster*
HNOC: *grabs forehead* "THAT... is the cardboard compactor..."
Boss: *thinks a moment* "Uh, is cardboard useless?"
HNOC: "I'd say it's about on par with You."
Boss: "Hmm... strategy change..."
HNOC: "I really DO hate you, sooooo very much."
Boss has an epiphany. Or maybe just another silly idea. We'll see...
Boss: "Hold on, she was also going to... *snaps fingers repeatedly* "Fuck, what are those places?"
HNOC: *closes eyes, shakes head*
Boss: "Where people go to buy drugs!?"
HNOC: "Uuuh, drug dealers?"
Boss: *looks at Chick with contempt* "Exactly how stupid DO you think I am?"
HNOC: "Oh my God, you do NOT want me to answer that!"
Boss: "Uh, those places... shit, like the place you get those weird sponges you use?"
He's referring to IUD's. Which Chick has never used. Yeah.
HNOC: "Jesus Christ, you mean a drug store?"
Boss: "YES!! A drug store! She went behind a drug store and cleaned UP!"
Chick is weighing out her options. Go back to work and get ogled by Rudy the Rapist [eye-rape, calm down! lol] OR traipse around town with her mentally defective boss and possibly catch a disease or be arrested.
Decisions, decisions...
HNOC: "So I'm driving, I take it?"
Boss: "Good girl! Now I can crack this bottle of MD 20/20!"
HNOC: *sighs* "Of course, because it would just be weird if you weren't drinking wino booze at 10am"
They head for Chick's car to begin their adventure in.... DUMPSTER-DIVING!!!
The Old World
Chick needs the Boss to sign off on some papers. She walks into his office, once again, and is left speechless.
HNOC: *opens door, looks around* "NOPE!" *backs out, closes door*
Boss: *through the closed door* "HEY, come back!"
HNOC: *re-enters office*
Boss: "So, ya like it?"
Chick has a gander and is immediately thrown into a mental blender. Her boss is stretched out on an old-world style leather lounger, IN A TOGA, while two old men [also in togas] who look to be in their 80's, take turns fanning him with ostrich feathers and feeding him grapes. Red seedless, of course.
She then turns to see another older gentleman coming towards her in what looks like a diaper. She's come to expect nothing less from this very badly broken man she knows as her Boss.
HNOC: "I don't even know what this is, and I don't WANT to. I would call the cops but I don't even want them to see this. I'm leaving now..."
Boss: "NO, wait! You haven't seen the best part!" *snaps his fingers loudly three times*
The spectacle that presents itself truly captures the absolute WTF'ness this office has become. Chick can't even believe her eyes, but she really kinda can. After all, she knew where she was.
Boss: "Pretty cool, huh? Like ancient Greece?? Classy as fuck, riiiiight??"
HNOC: "I wasn't aware the Greeks had their old men giving midgets pony-rides on llamas... in offices!"
Boss: "Well, this ain't your dad's Greece anymore toots! We're going ALL OUT!!"
Chick goes over and sits beside her boss on the lounger.
HNOC: "Look, I'm not here to break your balls, I don't want to eat your lunch or take your trophies. I just want you to get help. That's ALL. Please! Before things go too far and this all goes away."
Boss: "I don't know what you mean?"
HNOC: "I know you don't, that's why I'm sitting here, talking to you now. You are cracked. Badly. VERY, VERY badly. So please take my word for it and trust that you NEEEED this help."
Boss squints at Chick. Ooooh, she knew THIS move!
HNOC: "No, not that. Not the squint. That's not gonna work this time."
Boss: "I just don't understand why you're coming down on me. It's strange, is all."
HNOC: "Bitch, you've got LIVESTOCK in your OFFICE! And God only KNOWS where these old people are from! And the midgets, my God, the midgets!!!"
Chick stands up and walks to the door, turns around and takes in the whole disturbing scene.
HNOC: "So, I didn't even make a dent, did I?"
Boss: "I think you've made your point. And I've come to a very important conclusion."
HNOC: "Oh thank God!" *inhales, exhales deeply* "And???"
Boss: "And I'm gonna need you to buzz Carolyn down in the cafeteria. We need more grapes up here! STAT!"
HNOC: *world implodes*
HNOC: *opens door, looks around* "NOPE!" *backs out, closes door*
Boss: *through the closed door* "HEY, come back!"
HNOC: *re-enters office*
Boss: "So, ya like it?"
Chick has a gander and is immediately thrown into a mental blender. Her boss is stretched out on an old-world style leather lounger, IN A TOGA, while two old men [also in togas] who look to be in their 80's, take turns fanning him with ostrich feathers and feeding him grapes. Red seedless, of course.
She then turns to see another older gentleman coming towards her in what looks like a diaper. She's come to expect nothing less from this very badly broken man she knows as her Boss.
HNOC: "I don't even know what this is, and I don't WANT to. I would call the cops but I don't even want them to see this. I'm leaving now..."
Boss: "NO, wait! You haven't seen the best part!" *snaps his fingers loudly three times*
The spectacle that presents itself truly captures the absolute WTF'ness this office has become. Chick can't even believe her eyes, but she really kinda can. After all, she knew where she was.
Boss: "Pretty cool, huh? Like ancient Greece?? Classy as fuck, riiiiight??"
HNOC: "I wasn't aware the Greeks had their old men giving midgets pony-rides on llamas... in offices!"
Boss: "Well, this ain't your dad's Greece anymore toots! We're going ALL OUT!!"
Chick goes over and sits beside her boss on the lounger.
HNOC: "Look, I'm not here to break your balls, I don't want to eat your lunch or take your trophies. I just want you to get help. That's ALL. Please! Before things go too far and this all goes away."
Boss: "I don't know what you mean?"
HNOC: "I know you don't, that's why I'm sitting here, talking to you now. You are cracked. Badly. VERY, VERY badly. So please take my word for it and trust that you NEEEED this help."
Boss squints at Chick. Ooooh, she knew THIS move!
HNOC: "No, not that. Not the squint. That's not gonna work this time."
Boss: "I just don't understand why you're coming down on me. It's strange, is all."
HNOC: "Bitch, you've got LIVESTOCK in your OFFICE! And God only KNOWS where these old people are from! And the midgets, my God, the midgets!!!"
Chick stands up and walks to the door, turns around and takes in the whole disturbing scene.
HNOC: "So, I didn't even make a dent, did I?"
Boss: "I think you've made your point. And I've come to a very important conclusion."
HNOC: "Oh thank God!" *inhales, exhales deeply* "And???"
Boss: "And I'm gonna need you to buzz Carolyn down in the cafeteria. We need more grapes up here! STAT!"
HNOC: *world implodes*
When The Music's Over
Chick walks into Boss's office to ask him about some paperwork.
HNOC: *opens door, head down* "Hey, I was going over these..."
She looks up to see her Boss over in the far side of his office, standing on a tall bar-stool, noose around his neck tied to a support beam. She drops all the papers to the floor.
HNOC: "Oh GOD NO!! STOP!!"
Boss: "Hey."
HNOC: "What are you doing? You can't... just wait! Don't do it!"
Boss: "Eeeh, I figured it was time..."
HNOC: "NO! You can't do this! Just wait a minute, let's talk about this, please!!"
Boss: "Naah, talk's for radio. I'm done. Gotta hop this train on outta here!"
Boss tightens the rope around his neck, starts wobbling the stool.
HNOC: "NOOO, YOU CAN'T!!" *runs towards him*
Boss: "Catch ya in the next life kiddo!" *kicks the stool away, body drops, rope tightens*
Chick grabs him around his thighs and tries desperately to lift him upwards. He begins to make awful choking sounds. She begins to cry. What a way to start a Tuesday!
Boss: *swinging from rope, gurgling throat sounds*
HNOC: "Somebody HELP!!! PLEASE!!! ANYBODY!!"
Chick struggles to keep him lifted so as to reduce the pull on his neck, but to no avail.
Boss: *terrible choking sounds now morph into restrained giggling*
Chick looks up, Boss has both hands grabbing the rope that hugs his neck tightly.
Boss: *very obvious laughing sounds*
HNOC: "What, are, you.... are you Laughing???
Boss: *cackles like a chicken*
HNOC: "You're laughing???" *total shock and disbelief*
Boss: "OH MY GOD! Your FACE!! You should've SEEN it!!!
HNOC: "You SON OF A BITCH!!! You SON of a BIIITCH!! What the FUCK is the MATTER with you????"
Boss lets go of the rope around his neck and hangs, swinging freely.
HNOC: "You SICK SON of a BITCH!! I thought you were killing yourself!!
Boss: "Looked real as FUCK, didn't it??"
HNOC: "Oh my God, you SICK sack of BITCHES!! FUCK YOOOUUU!"
Boss: "It's one of those harnesses, like in the movies? Yeah, I got a buddy, he does stunt work in indie films."
Chick is absolutely OUTRAGED at this point. She's in tears AND as pissed as she can be.
HNOC: "Ya know, I thought the bondage-midget-Furry thing was fucked but THIS, Jesus Christ on a snow-cone, you need help you sad, sick motherfucking son of a BITCH!"
Boss: "Aww c'mon, you gotta admit, this was one for the books! You totally thought I was biting it!"
At this point Chick is picking up everything in sight and throwing it at her horrible bastard of a boss.
HNOC: "I. TRIED. TO SAVE. YOUR. SORRY ASS. LIFE! You fucking BASTARD!!"
She throws another object with every word. Boy, she wasn't finding this funny AT all.
Boss: "Hey, c'mon now, it was a joooke, fuuuuck!!"
HNOC: "You lousy unfunny sack of shitburgers!!" *continues throwing things at him*
Boss: "OK, ok, okaaay!! I get it, it was kind of a fucked up thing to do, alright, shit, I'm sorry!"
HNOC: "You're SORRY?? OH FUCK YOOUU AAAAND YOUR SORRIES!!!
Chick gathers up the paperwork she dropped and heads for the door.
Boss: "OK, I've learned my lesson now, c'mon, help me down from here."
HNOC: "You can go FUCK yourself! You AND your fucking stunt harness!!"
Boss: "Don't be like that, I said I was sorry!!"
HNOC: "You make me SICK! I fucking HATE YOU!!"
Boss: "I'm sorrrrrrrryyyyy, I was only playing around, c'mon!!"
Chick storms out slamming the door behind her. Boss is literally left hangin.
Boss: "Heeey, come on nooow, help me down! This thing hurts! Come awwwwnn!!"
HNOC: *opens door, head down* "Hey, I was going over these..."
She looks up to see her Boss over in the far side of his office, standing on a tall bar-stool, noose around his neck tied to a support beam. She drops all the papers to the floor.
HNOC: "Oh GOD NO!! STOP!!"
Boss: "Hey."
HNOC: "What are you doing? You can't... just wait! Don't do it!"
Boss: "Eeeh, I figured it was time..."
HNOC: "NO! You can't do this! Just wait a minute, let's talk about this, please!!"
Boss: "Naah, talk's for radio. I'm done. Gotta hop this train on outta here!"
Boss tightens the rope around his neck, starts wobbling the stool.
HNOC: "NOOO, YOU CAN'T!!" *runs towards him*
Boss: "Catch ya in the next life kiddo!" *kicks the stool away, body drops, rope tightens*
Chick grabs him around his thighs and tries desperately to lift him upwards. He begins to make awful choking sounds. She begins to cry. What a way to start a Tuesday!
Boss: *swinging from rope, gurgling throat sounds*
HNOC: "Somebody HELP!!! PLEASE!!! ANYBODY!!"
Chick struggles to keep him lifted so as to reduce the pull on his neck, but to no avail.
Boss: *terrible choking sounds now morph into restrained giggling*
Chick looks up, Boss has both hands grabbing the rope that hugs his neck tightly.
Boss: *very obvious laughing sounds*
HNOC: "What, are, you.... are you Laughing???
Boss: *cackles like a chicken*
HNOC: "You're laughing???" *total shock and disbelief*
Boss: "OH MY GOD! Your FACE!! You should've SEEN it!!!
HNOC: "You SON OF A BITCH!!! You SON of a BIIITCH!! What the FUCK is the MATTER with you????"
Boss lets go of the rope around his neck and hangs, swinging freely.
HNOC: "You SICK SON of a BITCH!! I thought you were killing yourself!!
Boss: "Looked real as FUCK, didn't it??"
HNOC: "Oh my God, you SICK sack of BITCHES!! FUCK YOOOUUU!"
Boss: "It's one of those harnesses, like in the movies? Yeah, I got a buddy, he does stunt work in indie films."
Chick is absolutely OUTRAGED at this point. She's in tears AND as pissed as she can be.
HNOC: "Ya know, I thought the bondage-midget-Furry thing was fucked but THIS, Jesus Christ on a snow-cone, you need help you sad, sick motherfucking son of a BITCH!"
Boss: "Aww c'mon, you gotta admit, this was one for the books! You totally thought I was biting it!"
At this point Chick is picking up everything in sight and throwing it at her horrible bastard of a boss.
HNOC: "I. TRIED. TO SAVE. YOUR. SORRY ASS. LIFE! You fucking BASTARD!!"
She throws another object with every word. Boy, she wasn't finding this funny AT all.
Boss: "Hey, c'mon now, it was a joooke, fuuuuck!!"
HNOC: "You lousy unfunny sack of shitburgers!!" *continues throwing things at him*
Boss: "OK, ok, okaaay!! I get it, it was kind of a fucked up thing to do, alright, shit, I'm sorry!"
HNOC: "You're SORRY?? OH FUCK YOOUU AAAAND YOUR SORRIES!!!
Chick gathers up the paperwork she dropped and heads for the door.
Boss: "OK, I've learned my lesson now, c'mon, help me down from here."
HNOC: "You can go FUCK yourself! You AND your fucking stunt harness!!"
Boss: "Don't be like that, I said I was sorry!!"
HNOC: "You make me SICK! I fucking HATE YOU!!"
Boss: "I'm sorrrrrrrryyyyy, I was only playing around, c'mon!!"
Chick storms out slamming the door behind her. Boss is literally left hangin.
Boss: "Heeey, come on nooow, help me down! This thing hurts! Come awwwwnn!!"
Monday, October 25, 2021
Club Dear God No!!
Hot Nerdy Office Chick is walking up the hall when she hears the low rumble of what sounds like...Dance music?? What? How? This was an office. Not a club. She kept walking until she was standing outside her boss's door. The music was at its loudest now. Of course. Why didn't this surprize her?
A little voice goes off in her head: "Don't. Just don't do it. You'll regret it, you always do! KEEP WALKING!" Oh if she only had the will power to listen. But if it's one thing this job has taught her, it was to be a glutton for punishment. So with every ounce of 'fuck it' she could muster; she flings open the door.
Her eyes couldn't even interpret what she was seeing. She really should have called in sick that day!
There was a bright spinning disco ball dangling from the ceiling, a strobe light going nuts in the corner, probably near 30 little people dressed in various BDSM outfits and lastly, but most offensively...
Her Boss... Standing on top of his desk in a FAR too revealing Furry costume... shooting silly-string... from what looked like a penis-shaped Super Soaker water gun. Yep, all the earmarks were there for the men in white coats to come and take them ALL away.
She flips on the light and the music screeches to a halt. Everyone stops, turns and looks at her.
HNOC: "Well, you've done it! I don't even know where to fucking start!!"
Boss: "Maybe with turning that light off and getting the music back on!! Wooohooo!!"
Everyone cheers. Except Chick.
HNOC: *walks into the middle of the madness* "I mean, my GOD, what in Hell's sweet name do you even think you're doing?? People are trying to work out there!" *pointing to the door*
Boss pulls off his Badger head-piece.
Boss: "Yeah and we were lettin' 'em! The door was closed!"
HNOC: "The music ALONE was shaking the floor! Jesus Christ, are you high or something?"
Boss jumps down from the desk. High-fiving a few midgets as he walks over to her.
Boss: "Babe, seriously, you need to chiiiiill out, man! You're gonna blow a gasket if you ain't careful!"
A little person runs up to them, does a little dance and says "My name's Gasket!"
HNOC: "Oh my God you disgusting little troll, get away from me!"
Boss: "Whoa, whoooa, whooooa, Sally Spoil-sport, that's like totally racist against midgets, jeez!"
HNOC: "OK, this has far surpassed every level of 'fucked-up' I've ever had to deal with here... and that's SAYING SOMETHING!!"
Boss: "You wanna drink? We've got champipple, ripple and good ol' Thunderchicken!"
Chick literally wretches. Twice.
HNOC: "I can't even believe this is happening, my God... Aaarrggh!!"
Boss: "Hey, why don't ya have a drink and stick around? We're firing the Big One off later!"
Chick glances over to the corner where there stands a huge multi-colored, penis-shaped confetti cannon. You read that right.
Wretch numero three-o. Chick stands shaking her head. Why? Why didn't she just walk on by...
Boss: "So, you down?"
HNOC: "I thiiiiiink I quit. Yeah, I quit. I'm done. If it can get any worse than this? I don't wanna see it."
Boss: "Alright, suit yourself. We're gonna party like it's 1599 up in here byoooootch!!!"
Chick walks to the door, flips the lights back off, walks out and shuts it behind her.
[from inside the boss's office] *loud music pumping again*
Boss: "Dance you filthy little monkeys!!!" *sounds of a bullwhip cracking*
[outside the door, in the hall]
HNOC: "Goddamnit I hate Thursdays..."
A little voice goes off in her head: "Don't. Just don't do it. You'll regret it, you always do! KEEP WALKING!" Oh if she only had the will power to listen. But if it's one thing this job has taught her, it was to be a glutton for punishment. So with every ounce of 'fuck it' she could muster; she flings open the door.
Her eyes couldn't even interpret what she was seeing. She really should have called in sick that day!
There was a bright spinning disco ball dangling from the ceiling, a strobe light going nuts in the corner, probably near 30 little people dressed in various BDSM outfits and lastly, but most offensively...
Her Boss... Standing on top of his desk in a FAR too revealing Furry costume... shooting silly-string... from what looked like a penis-shaped Super Soaker water gun. Yep, all the earmarks were there for the men in white coats to come and take them ALL away.
She flips on the light and the music screeches to a halt. Everyone stops, turns and looks at her.
HNOC: "Well, you've done it! I don't even know where to fucking start!!"
Boss: "Maybe with turning that light off and getting the music back on!! Wooohooo!!"
Everyone cheers. Except Chick.
HNOC: *walks into the middle of the madness* "I mean, my GOD, what in Hell's sweet name do you even think you're doing?? People are trying to work out there!" *pointing to the door*
Boss pulls off his Badger head-piece.
Boss: "Yeah and we were lettin' 'em! The door was closed!"
HNOC: "The music ALONE was shaking the floor! Jesus Christ, are you high or something?"
Boss jumps down from the desk. High-fiving a few midgets as he walks over to her.
Boss: "Babe, seriously, you need to chiiiiill out, man! You're gonna blow a gasket if you ain't careful!"
A little person runs up to them, does a little dance and says "My name's Gasket!"
HNOC: "Oh my God you disgusting little troll, get away from me!"
Boss: "Whoa, whoooa, whooooa, Sally Spoil-sport, that's like totally racist against midgets, jeez!"
HNOC: "OK, this has far surpassed every level of 'fucked-up' I've ever had to deal with here... and that's SAYING SOMETHING!!"
Boss: "You wanna drink? We've got champipple, ripple and good ol' Thunderchicken!"
Chick literally wretches. Twice.
HNOC: "I can't even believe this is happening, my God... Aaarrggh!!"
Boss: "Hey, why don't ya have a drink and stick around? We're firing the Big One off later!"
Chick glances over to the corner where there stands a huge multi-colored, penis-shaped confetti cannon. You read that right.
Wretch numero three-o. Chick stands shaking her head. Why? Why didn't she just walk on by...
Boss: "So, you down?"
HNOC: "I thiiiiiink I quit. Yeah, I quit. I'm done. If it can get any worse than this? I don't wanna see it."
Boss: "Alright, suit yourself. We're gonna party like it's 1599 up in here byoooootch!!!"
Chick walks to the door, flips the lights back off, walks out and shuts it behind her.
[from inside the boss's office] *loud music pumping again*
Boss: "Dance you filthy little monkeys!!!" *sounds of a bullwhip cracking*
[outside the door, in the hall]
HNOC: "Goddamnit I hate Thursdays..."
The iPad Incident - OR - FUCK STEVE JOBS!!
Boss: "Ooooh you fucking BITCH! You fucking bitch fucking CUNT! Fucking WHORE-SLUT-BITCHFUCKER!!"
Hot Nerdy Office Chick races into her boss's office, quickly shutting the door and charging towards him.
HNOC: "JESUS CHRIST, what's wrong with you?? This is STILL a work day!!"
Boss angrily slams his iPad down onto the desk.
HNOC: "Oh God... you CANNOT be serious!"
Boss: "That fucking motherfuckingbitch fucking piece of DOGSHIT!!" *glares down at iPad in rage*
HNOC: "THIS is what you feel merits a visit from HR? Really?"
Boss: "I had two more strawberries to eat, TWOOO and that mothercunting slug zapped me!!"
Boss was playing his guilty pleasure game again... Best Fiends. Aaaaaaand losing.
HNOC: *stands shaking her head, staring at the floor*
Boss: "Two, that's it. I was nearly there! I was IN THERE!"
HNOC: *sighs deeply and takes a seat in front of the desk*
HNOC: "Look, I get that you're the boss. This is your office. What goes on in here, for the most part, isn't anyone else's business. Except when you make it so. Like today. This is a work environment and when anyone, not just you, but ANYONE - makes THAT kind of a scene, it's just bad all the way around. Please make some kind of movement if you understand ANY of this..."
Boss sits quietly staring at the gorgeous redhead.
Boss: "It took me a WHOLE. WEEK. To beat the previous level."
HNOC: *lost for words*
Boss: "I'm supposed to just sneeze at all that work? The HOURS of slug-murdering? Bossing my way through those levels - PING, Boom - Ka Daaasssh!!"
Chick is honestly a bit scared now.
HNOC: "May I just make a suggestion, please?"
Boss: "Of course! I always welcome your input."
HNOC: "Could ya just roll it back a few on the dial? We'd ALL appreciate it."
Boss: *sighs* "I guess I could keep my door shut when playing, huh?"
HNOC: "That is certainly a start."
Boss stands up to walk around his desk to hug his so very helpful office chick when she sees him on his feet and shrieks.
HNOC: "OH MY GOD! Why are you not wearing pants??"
She quickly turns her head and covers hers eyes.
Boss: "Whaaat, they're shorts!"
HNOC: "They are BOXERS!!"
Boss: "But they have the little button over the pee-pee hole.
Chick stands and runs for the door, eyes closed, hands up.
Boss: "Hey, I needed you to help me with this app... ??"
She flings the door open and escapes into the outer office.
Boss: "Facetime then?"
Boss returns to his game.
Hot Nerdy Office Chick races into her boss's office, quickly shutting the door and charging towards him.
HNOC: "JESUS CHRIST, what's wrong with you?? This is STILL a work day!!"
Boss angrily slams his iPad down onto the desk.
HNOC: "Oh God... you CANNOT be serious!"
Boss: "That fucking motherfuckingbitch fucking piece of DOGSHIT!!" *glares down at iPad in rage*
HNOC: "THIS is what you feel merits a visit from HR? Really?"
Boss: "I had two more strawberries to eat, TWOOO and that mothercunting slug zapped me!!"
Boss was playing his guilty pleasure game again... Best Fiends. Aaaaaaand losing.
HNOC: *stands shaking her head, staring at the floor*
Boss: "Two, that's it. I was nearly there! I was IN THERE!"
HNOC: *sighs deeply and takes a seat in front of the desk*
HNOC: "Look, I get that you're the boss. This is your office. What goes on in here, for the most part, isn't anyone else's business. Except when you make it so. Like today. This is a work environment and when anyone, not just you, but ANYONE - makes THAT kind of a scene, it's just bad all the way around. Please make some kind of movement if you understand ANY of this..."
Boss sits quietly staring at the gorgeous redhead.
Boss: "It took me a WHOLE. WEEK. To beat the previous level."
HNOC: *lost for words*
Boss: "I'm supposed to just sneeze at all that work? The HOURS of slug-murdering? Bossing my way through those levels - PING, Boom - Ka Daaasssh!!"
Chick is honestly a bit scared now.
HNOC: "May I just make a suggestion, please?"
Boss: "Of course! I always welcome your input."
HNOC: "Could ya just roll it back a few on the dial? We'd ALL appreciate it."
Boss: *sighs* "I guess I could keep my door shut when playing, huh?"
HNOC: "That is certainly a start."
Boss stands up to walk around his desk to hug his so very helpful office chick when she sees him on his feet and shrieks.
HNOC: "OH MY GOD! Why are you not wearing pants??"
She quickly turns her head and covers hers eyes.
Boss: "Whaaat, they're shorts!"
HNOC: "They are BOXERS!!"
Boss: "But they have the little button over the pee-pee hole.
Chick stands and runs for the door, eyes closed, hands up.
Boss: "Hey, I needed you to help me with this app... ??"
She flings the door open and escapes into the outer office.
Boss: "Facetime then?"
Boss returns to his game.
He's No Picasso
Hot Nerdy Office Chick speeds past her boss's doorway, trying to avoid detection.
Boss: "Oh heeey, come check this out!"
HNOC: "Uurrggh. What was I, a catholic priest in a previous life? Fuck!"
Boss: "Come look, I took your advice!"
Chick finds her dopey boss standing in front of an easel, dressed in cover-alls, wielding a paint brush. She, against ALL better judgement, reluctantly walks over to take part in whatever fresh Hell this turns out to be.
Boss: "Aay, so, what do ya think?"
Chick casts her eyes upon the sparsely painted canvas. Her heart sinks. Her brain buzzes with WTF is my life.
HNOC: *sighs* Well... I guess it is something...
Boss: "Yeah, but what do you think? Awesome right?"
Chick pauses. My God, her whole existence at this job has been one long series of pauses & facepalms.
HNOC: "You want my honest opinion?"
Boss: "Sure thing, lemme have it sugar-tits!"
Chick shoots the pig a look of disgust.
HNOC: "Well, I think those boobs are a liiiiiittle big for a stick-figure."
Boss: "Seriously? You don't think..."
HNOC: "No! Whatever it is you are about to say, NO! I don't. Please. Just don't."
Boss: "All I was gonna say was..."
HNOC: "Nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuuuuh. NO. You were going to say NUH-THIIIING!"
Boss: "Chick, sweetie, I mean, come on, don't you think you're being a little obtuse here?"
HNOC: *stares off at the wall* "I don't even know what to say to you anymore. It's just..."
Boss: "You wanna do the next one?"
Chick squints her eyes closed, turns her head and bites her bottom lip.
HNOC: *clearing her throat, then whispering* "I'm just gonna go..." *points to door*
Boss: "I'll draw a dude next. I'll let you do the weener! C'mon, it'll be great!!"
Chick runs from the office, hands covering her face.
Boss: "Tomorrow then!?"
Boss: "Oh heeey, come check this out!"
HNOC: "Uurrggh. What was I, a catholic priest in a previous life? Fuck!"
Boss: "Come look, I took your advice!"
Chick finds her dopey boss standing in front of an easel, dressed in cover-alls, wielding a paint brush. She, against ALL better judgement, reluctantly walks over to take part in whatever fresh Hell this turns out to be.
Boss: "Aay, so, what do ya think?"
Chick casts her eyes upon the sparsely painted canvas. Her heart sinks. Her brain buzzes with WTF is my life.
HNOC: *sighs* Well... I guess it is something...
Boss: "Yeah, but what do you think? Awesome right?"
Chick pauses. My God, her whole existence at this job has been one long series of pauses & facepalms.
HNOC: "You want my honest opinion?"
Boss: "Sure thing, lemme have it sugar-tits!"
Chick shoots the pig a look of disgust.
HNOC: "Well, I think those boobs are a liiiiiittle big for a stick-figure."
Boss: "Seriously? You don't think..."
HNOC: "No! Whatever it is you are about to say, NO! I don't. Please. Just don't."
Boss: "All I was gonna say was..."
HNOC: "Nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuh-nuuuuh. NO. You were going to say NUH-THIIIING!"
Boss: "Chick, sweetie, I mean, come on, don't you think you're being a little obtuse here?"
HNOC: *stares off at the wall* "I don't even know what to say to you anymore. It's just..."
Boss: "You wanna do the next one?"
Chick squints her eyes closed, turns her head and bites her bottom lip.
HNOC: *clearing her throat, then whispering* "I'm just gonna go..." *points to door*
Boss: "I'll draw a dude next. I'll let you do the weener! C'mon, it'll be great!!"
Chick runs from the office, hands covering her face.
Boss: "Tomorrow then!?"
Linguistics
Hot Nerdy Office Chick pokes her head into her boss's doorway.
HNOC: "Hey."
Boss: "Oh hey! What a pleaseant surprize!"
HNOC: "What a what?"
Boss: "Pleaseant."
HNOC: "Oh dear God, nooo."
Boss: "What?"
HNOC: "Just, don't! Please. Don't."
Boss: "But I like it. It's denoting both pleasant AND being pleased. What's wrong with that?"
HNOC: "Well, besides sounding like a total fucktard, it's wrong. It's multi-level wrong and it's not even a real word. That enough for ya?"
Boss gives Chick the old squint. Awww, you know it's coming.
Boss: "Do I detect the faintest hint of..."
HNOC: "Oh GAAWWWD, WHY do I do it to myself??"
Boss: "Jealousyness??"
HNOC: "THAT'S NOT A WORD EITHER!!" For crying out loud MAN, get ahold of yourself!"
Boss: "Is that to say you disapprove?"
HNOC: "No, fuckstick, the English LANGUAGE DISAPPROVES! COMMON DECENCY DISAPPROVES!!"
Boss: "Ya know, I actually forgot why I even called you in here."
HNOC: "Thaaat's because you didn't. I made the huge, GAPING mistake of stopping by on my own."
Boss: "Admit it, you missed Me!"
Chick facepalms with both of her hands.
HNOC: "Could you just please... find a hobby? Something. ANYTHING??"
Boss rubs his chin and ponders Chick's request.
Boss: "That's a wonderful idea, chickie-babe! Thanks!"
HNOC: "You are sooo welcome! *sarcasm* And don't call me chickie-babe."
Boss: "You jealous?"
HNOC: "Fuck me! Well at least you said it right this time."
Chick turns and begins walking to the door.
Boss: "Hey, you wanna get lunch?"
She keeps walking, her back to him, holding her left middle finger high.
Boss: "Raincheck, then!?"
HNOC: "Hey."
Boss: "Oh hey! What a pleaseant surprize!"
HNOC: "What a what?"
Boss: "Pleaseant."
HNOC: "Oh dear God, nooo."
Boss: "What?"
HNOC: "Just, don't! Please. Don't."
Boss: "But I like it. It's denoting both pleasant AND being pleased. What's wrong with that?"
HNOC: "Well, besides sounding like a total fucktard, it's wrong. It's multi-level wrong and it's not even a real word. That enough for ya?"
Boss gives Chick the old squint. Awww, you know it's coming.
Boss: "Do I detect the faintest hint of..."
HNOC: "Oh GAAWWWD, WHY do I do it to myself??"
Boss: "Jealousyness??"
HNOC: "THAT'S NOT A WORD EITHER!!" For crying out loud MAN, get ahold of yourself!"
Boss: "Is that to say you disapprove?"
HNOC: "No, fuckstick, the English LANGUAGE DISAPPROVES! COMMON DECENCY DISAPPROVES!!"
Boss: "Ya know, I actually forgot why I even called you in here."
HNOC: "Thaaat's because you didn't. I made the huge, GAPING mistake of stopping by on my own."
Boss: "Admit it, you missed Me!"
Chick facepalms with both of her hands.
HNOC: "Could you just please... find a hobby? Something. ANYTHING??"
Boss rubs his chin and ponders Chick's request.
Boss: "That's a wonderful idea, chickie-babe! Thanks!"
HNOC: "You are sooo welcome! *sarcasm* And don't call me chickie-babe."
Boss: "You jealous?"
HNOC: "Fuck me! Well at least you said it right this time."
Chick turns and begins walking to the door.
Boss: "Hey, you wanna get lunch?"
She keeps walking, her back to him, holding her left middle finger high.
Boss: "Raincheck, then!?"
Sunday, October 24, 2021
The Gambler
She walks by his door, and like always...
Boss: "Hey Sexy! C'mere!"
She walks into the office speaking loudly to no one.
HNOC: "HR? Yes, I'd like to file a complaint against my pig of a boss. SEX-SHU-WUHL HUH-RASS..."
Boss: "Aww c'mon, you love it really!"
Chick stands in front of him, arms crossed, angry stare.
Boss: "Wanna play UNO?"
HNOC: "You've GOT to be fuc..."
Boss: "Nooo, seriously, let's throw down! I will wipe the FLOOR with that sweet, pink a..."
He catches himself, but only just. Her eyes squinting in disapproval.
Boss: "So, you wanna?"
HNOC: "Does this count as a break for me?"
Boss: "Absolutely not!"
HNOC: "You shuffling or am I?"
He reaches into his top drawer removing a deck of the infamous card game.
Slamming it down onto the desk, he looks up at his soon-to-be opponent.
Boss: "Bitch, I'm gonna fuck you UUUPPP!!"
HNOC: "Call me bitch one more time, that little talk to HR becomes real."
Boss: "Jesus, man, lighten up. It's just a game."
Chick pulls a chair up to the desk and pushes her glasses onto the top of her head.
Boss: "What, you don't need those to see?"
HNOC: "Uh, these are reading glasses."
Boss: "Well, you need to be able to read these cards?"
HNOC: "Dumbass, these cards are... they're fucking CARD SIZED! I'll be fine!"
Boss: "Why is it again that you can cuss me but I can't..."
She interrupts.
HNOC: "Cuz I'm a girl and it doesn't count."
The boss glares at her with incredulity. He picks up the deck.
Boss: "I'M shuffling."
HNOC: "Fine. It'll be the first thing you've actually done today."
Chick stands up and slams a fist down onto his desk.
HNOC: "Ooooooo, BURN, BITCH!!"
He stops shuffling, looks up at her and shakes his head.
Boss: "Am I gonna have to call security?"
Chick sits down and props her feet up on the desk awaiting her cards.
HNOC: "You certainly could... if you didn't let them ALL GO. Cheap bastard."
Boss returns to shuffling the cards.
HNOC: "Jeez, you trying to breed those cards? Deal fucker!"
Boss: "Have you always been this way?"
HNOC: "It's why you hired me. Now drop out on those cards fuckboy."
Boss looks at Chick with bugged eyes. Then buzzes his secretary.
Secretary: [over desk intercom] "Yes?"
Boss: "Hey, can you make sure the break room is restocked with DECAF, TODAY?"
Secretary: "Sure thing!"
Boss: "Thank you!"
He looks at Chick shaking his head. He then deals them both a hand.
Chick is assembling hers while the Boss fans his out.
Boss: "There's NO way you're gonna beat me. So go ahead and bite down on that harsh reality, ok?"
HNOC: *grabs crotch* "Bite down on THAT, simp! You dealt so I go first. BOOM, Blue 9 bitch!"
The boss carefully looks for the best cards to play. He sees an ass-whuppin in the making.
Boss: "Alriiight, I think I've gotta... SKIP! REVERSE! DRAW TWO! DRAW TWO! DRAW FOUR!! Eat it, you hussy!!"
Chick looks at him, then at the cards, then back at him.
HNOC: "How refuckingtarded are you? You can't play ALL those at once, Spankface!"
Boss: "What the Hell are you talking about, of course I can!"
HNOC: "BullASSshit! Somebody needs to consult the goddamn rule book!"
Boss pauses a moment to think.
Boss: "That's actually a good idea!"
He searches the drawer for them.
Boss: "Theeeeey are not in here."
HNOC: "Not surprizing, they probably ran off with your initiative to work."
Boss: "Wow, is it lunch already?"
He looks around for a clock that doesn't exist.
HNOC: "Pussy scared of that ass-whuppin comin' down?"
Boss: "OK, I think we've had enough fun for one day. Why don't you go ahead and..."
Chick interrupts him again. Something she was becoming very good at.
HNOC: "Why don't I go ahead and knock your tiny little ping-ling into the dirt! BAMM, BITCH, EAT IT!!"
She screams at the top of her lungs as she jumps to her feet and chucks her entire hand of cards into the boss's face.
Boss: *sits quietly and sighs* "I suppose I deserve that."
HNOC: "WOOOOOOOOOOOO, FUCK! That shit felt GOOOOOOD!!!"
Boss leans back in his boss-man's office chair, wondering where he went wrong in Life. Chick surveys the scene. There are UNO cards everywhere. She purses her lips together and sighs.
HNOC: "You're right, I think it IS lunchtime."
Boss: "You going to Alberto's?"
HNOC: "Yeeeaah, I think I'm feeling a meatball sub today. You want your usual?"
Boss: "Sure. Extra black olives."
Chick pulls her glasses back down, brushes her hair a little, adjusts her skirt and heads for the door.
Boss: "This was fun. We should do it again sometime."
Chick holds her right middle finger high in the air as she disappears into the hall.
Boss: *sigh* "Goddamnit, I may just have to marry that bitch."
HNOC: [from the hallway] "I HEARD THAT!!"
Boss: "Hey Sexy! C'mere!"
She walks into the office speaking loudly to no one.
HNOC: "HR? Yes, I'd like to file a complaint against my pig of a boss. SEX-SHU-WUHL HUH-RASS..."
Boss: "Aww c'mon, you love it really!"
Chick stands in front of him, arms crossed, angry stare.
Boss: "Wanna play UNO?"
HNOC: "You've GOT to be fuc..."
Boss: "Nooo, seriously, let's throw down! I will wipe the FLOOR with that sweet, pink a..."
He catches himself, but only just. Her eyes squinting in disapproval.
Boss: "So, you wanna?"
HNOC: "Does this count as a break for me?"
Boss: "Absolutely not!"
HNOC: "You shuffling or am I?"
He reaches into his top drawer removing a deck of the infamous card game.
Slamming it down onto the desk, he looks up at his soon-to-be opponent.
Boss: "Bitch, I'm gonna fuck you UUUPPP!!"
HNOC: "Call me bitch one more time, that little talk to HR becomes real."
Boss: "Jesus, man, lighten up. It's just a game."
Chick pulls a chair up to the desk and pushes her glasses onto the top of her head.
Boss: "What, you don't need those to see?"
HNOC: "Uh, these are reading glasses."
Boss: "Well, you need to be able to read these cards?"
HNOC: "Dumbass, these cards are... they're fucking CARD SIZED! I'll be fine!"
Boss: "Why is it again that you can cuss me but I can't..."
She interrupts.
HNOC: "Cuz I'm a girl and it doesn't count."
The boss glares at her with incredulity. He picks up the deck.
Boss: "I'M shuffling."
HNOC: "Fine. It'll be the first thing you've actually done today."
Chick stands up and slams a fist down onto his desk.
HNOC: "Ooooooo, BURN, BITCH!!"
He stops shuffling, looks up at her and shakes his head.
Boss: "Am I gonna have to call security?"
Chick sits down and props her feet up on the desk awaiting her cards.
HNOC: "You certainly could... if you didn't let them ALL GO. Cheap bastard."
Boss returns to shuffling the cards.
HNOC: "Jeez, you trying to breed those cards? Deal fucker!"
Boss: "Have you always been this way?"
HNOC: "It's why you hired me. Now drop out on those cards fuckboy."
Boss looks at Chick with bugged eyes. Then buzzes his secretary.
Secretary: [over desk intercom] "Yes?"
Boss: "Hey, can you make sure the break room is restocked with DECAF, TODAY?"
Secretary: "Sure thing!"
Boss: "Thank you!"
He looks at Chick shaking his head. He then deals them both a hand.
Chick is assembling hers while the Boss fans his out.
Boss: "There's NO way you're gonna beat me. So go ahead and bite down on that harsh reality, ok?"
HNOC: *grabs crotch* "Bite down on THAT, simp! You dealt so I go first. BOOM, Blue 9 bitch!"
The boss carefully looks for the best cards to play. He sees an ass-whuppin in the making.
Boss: "Alriiight, I think I've gotta... SKIP! REVERSE! DRAW TWO! DRAW TWO! DRAW FOUR!! Eat it, you hussy!!"
Chick looks at him, then at the cards, then back at him.
HNOC: "How refuckingtarded are you? You can't play ALL those at once, Spankface!"
Boss: "What the Hell are you talking about, of course I can!"
HNOC: "BullASSshit! Somebody needs to consult the goddamn rule book!"
Boss pauses a moment to think.
Boss: "That's actually a good idea!"
He searches the drawer for them.
Boss: "Theeeeey are not in here."
HNOC: "Not surprizing, they probably ran off with your initiative to work."
Boss: "Wow, is it lunch already?"
He looks around for a clock that doesn't exist.
HNOC: "Pussy scared of that ass-whuppin comin' down?"
Boss: "OK, I think we've had enough fun for one day. Why don't you go ahead and..."
Chick interrupts him again. Something she was becoming very good at.
HNOC: "Why don't I go ahead and knock your tiny little ping-ling into the dirt! BAMM, BITCH, EAT IT!!"
She screams at the top of her lungs as she jumps to her feet and chucks her entire hand of cards into the boss's face.
Boss: *sits quietly and sighs* "I suppose I deserve that."
HNOC: "WOOOOOOOOOOOO, FUCK! That shit felt GOOOOOOD!!!"
Boss leans back in his boss-man's office chair, wondering where he went wrong in Life. Chick surveys the scene. There are UNO cards everywhere. She purses her lips together and sighs.
HNOC: "You're right, I think it IS lunchtime."
Boss: "You going to Alberto's?"
HNOC: "Yeeeaah, I think I'm feeling a meatball sub today. You want your usual?"
Boss: "Sure. Extra black olives."
Chick pulls her glasses back down, brushes her hair a little, adjusts her skirt and heads for the door.
Boss: "This was fun. We should do it again sometime."
Chick holds her right middle finger high in the air as she disappears into the hall.
Boss: *sigh* "Goddamnit, I may just have to marry that bitch."
HNOC: [from the hallway] "I HEARD THAT!!"
The Copy Machine Incident
Boss: "Hey, could you come in here a sec?"
Hot Nerdy Office Chick enters her boss's office. She sighs, as usual.
HNOC: "What is it now? You need instructions on how to fall asleep on the job?"
Boss: "Nice, coming from someone on perpetual break."
She walks over and leans across his desk.
HNOC: "Break? You call hours of running the Xerox machine out of ink making copies of bare-breasted women BREAK??"
She turns to walk away. Boss man stops her.
Boss: "I never asked you to do that!"
HNOC: "Oh No?
[FLASHBACK SEQUENCE - Earlier that day]
The Boss is sitting at his desk. He spies Hot Nerdy Office Chick walking past his doorway. He whistles to get her attention. She, ever the eager one to please, answers his call.
HNOC: "What?"
Boss: "Nice to see you too!"
HNOC: "WHAT??"
Boss: "Hey, I need you to take this and turn 2 into 800 for me. Think you can do that for Daddy?"
HNOC: "What did we say about the 'Daddy' thing?"
Boss: *sigh* OK, fine. But can you still do it?"
She looks down to see what appears to be a page ripped from a girly magazine picturing a large breasted 20-something woman. She rolls her eyes and grabs her forehead.
Boss: "Take these 2 and make them into 800 for me, please!"
She snatches the page from her disgusting boss and walks from his office.
Boss: "Good girl! I knew you had it in ya!"
Without stopping or turning around, she flips him off and is gone.
[END FLASHBACK SEQUENCE]
HNOC: "Jog your memory at all?"
Boss: *stares blankly*
HNOC: "Break! PLEASE!
Boss: "So, does that mean you're done?"
HNOC: "Oh yes, I'm done alright. SEE. YOU. LATER. Prick!"
Boss: "I was meaning with the copies."
She stops in his doorway, her back facing him.
HNOC: "Urrggghh!!"
She storms off.
Boss: "And she wants a raise?"
[From outside in the hall] HNOC: "I heard that!!"
The boss sits behind his desk, awaiting Ms. Chick's re-entry. Oh she was a saucy one!
She races back in with a thick pile of papers and slams them onto his desk.
HNOC: "There! You happy?? BOOOOOOOOBS, EVERYWHERE!"
She had grown quite animated. This scared her boss. But in a good way. An excited kind of way.
Boss: "Is that 800, like I originally asked?"
HNOC: "Does it look like 800, you swine of a human?"
The papers spilled all over his desk, half of them even on the floor. It's a safe bet, there's 800.
Boss: "Well... uh, thanks?"
She looks at him in utter contempt. Picking up one of the copies, she notices something slightly alarming.
HNOC: "Ya know, it's bad enough you ask me to do half the weird shit that you do, but THIS IS A PICTURE OF YOUR MOTHER!!!"
The Boss appeared terrified. They both look up on the wall at a framed picture of his mother, then down at the copied photo - back to the wall, back to the photo...
Boss: "OH MY GOD, I thought she looked familiar!!"
Chick stands shaking her head as her boss tries to come to grips with having 400 copies, that's 800 breasts, of his own mother littering his office desk and floor.
HNOC: "You know, I'd quit this shit job if you were actually PAYING ME!!"
They both share an uncomfortable, silent moment.
Boss: *sigh* "So, you still on break?"
Hot Nerdy Office Chick enters her boss's office. She sighs, as usual.
HNOC: "What is it now? You need instructions on how to fall asleep on the job?"
Boss: "Nice, coming from someone on perpetual break."
She walks over and leans across his desk.
HNOC: "Break? You call hours of running the Xerox machine out of ink making copies of bare-breasted women BREAK??"
She turns to walk away. Boss man stops her.
Boss: "I never asked you to do that!"
HNOC: "Oh No?
[FLASHBACK SEQUENCE - Earlier that day]
The Boss is sitting at his desk. He spies Hot Nerdy Office Chick walking past his doorway. He whistles to get her attention. She, ever the eager one to please, answers his call.
HNOC: "What?"
Boss: "Nice to see you too!"
HNOC: "WHAT??"
Boss: "Hey, I need you to take this and turn 2 into 800 for me. Think you can do that for Daddy?"
HNOC: "What did we say about the 'Daddy' thing?"
Boss: *sigh* OK, fine. But can you still do it?"
She looks down to see what appears to be a page ripped from a girly magazine picturing a large breasted 20-something woman. She rolls her eyes and grabs her forehead.
Boss: "Take these 2 and make them into 800 for me, please!"
She snatches the page from her disgusting boss and walks from his office.
Boss: "Good girl! I knew you had it in ya!"
Without stopping or turning around, she flips him off and is gone.
[END FLASHBACK SEQUENCE]
HNOC: "Jog your memory at all?"
Boss: *stares blankly*
HNOC: "Break! PLEASE!
Boss: "So, does that mean you're done?"
HNOC: "Oh yes, I'm done alright. SEE. YOU. LATER. Prick!"
Boss: "I was meaning with the copies."
She stops in his doorway, her back facing him.
HNOC: "Urrggghh!!"
She storms off.
Boss: "And she wants a raise?"
[From outside in the hall] HNOC: "I heard that!!"
The boss sits behind his desk, awaiting Ms. Chick's re-entry. Oh she was a saucy one!
She races back in with a thick pile of papers and slams them onto his desk.
HNOC: "There! You happy?? BOOOOOOOOBS, EVERYWHERE!"
She had grown quite animated. This scared her boss. But in a good way. An excited kind of way.
Boss: "Is that 800, like I originally asked?"
HNOC: "Does it look like 800, you swine of a human?"
The papers spilled all over his desk, half of them even on the floor. It's a safe bet, there's 800.
Boss: "Well... uh, thanks?"
She looks at him in utter contempt. Picking up one of the copies, she notices something slightly alarming.
HNOC: "Ya know, it's bad enough you ask me to do half the weird shit that you do, but THIS IS A PICTURE OF YOUR MOTHER!!!"
The Boss appeared terrified. They both look up on the wall at a framed picture of his mother, then down at the copied photo - back to the wall, back to the photo...
Boss: "OH MY GOD, I thought she looked familiar!!"
Chick stands shaking her head as her boss tries to come to grips with having 400 copies, that's 800 breasts, of his own mother littering his office desk and floor.
HNOC: "You know, I'd quit this shit job if you were actually PAYING ME!!"
They both share an uncomfortable, silent moment.
Boss: *sigh* "So, you still on break?"
My Writing
So, I've been putting off posting all of my stuff here because... procrastination and... yeah, we'll go with that. But today, I'm going to start putting it up on here and this post is not only a reminder but also a way of holding myself to it. Cuz, procrastination. It ranges from silly to rather serious. Not genre-specific but just about things I find interesting and funny. I've only been writing since February 2017 so keep those expectations on the lower side if you will. I'll give a brief rundown of what is to come below to kind of set the stage so if you ARE reading this [that one internet insomniac who has stumbled across this page by freak accident] you have an idea of what I do. Saying this now: NO refunds bitches.
Short stories/vignettes - Just little snips of Life. Some I call "Random excerpts from non-existent stories". Because they don't exist in any other form. No further life or history. Just little blurbs as is.
Hot Nerdy Office Chick - This is an ongoing series of skits/stories about a... yep, hot nerdy office chick and her very piggish, sexist boss. They get into it on a daily basis and She usually ends up professing her deeply passionate hatred for Him. I'll probably abbreviate the title to HNOC after the first posting because time & bandwidth are real. Love me for that! *winks* Also, HNOC is patterned after the real life, always luscious and daring Ms. Judy Greer. Yowza!! About a 2000-2005 era Judy. Cuz damn y'all.
Dr. [Uncle] Rocco - This fuckin' guy!! lol - You take a mob boss - cross him with Dr. Ruth and Bada Boom, Bada Bing, it's a beeYOOtiful thing!! Yeah, he's wild. And you'll see early on how he goes from Dr. [not a real doctor] to the more lovingly title of Uncle. He gets into ALL KINDS of crazy predicaments and comes out smelling like a cannoli. Oooooooooooh!!!!
So yeah, let's do dis!!
Friday, October 22, 2021
Monday, October 18, 2021
Friday, October 8, 2021
Wednesday, October 6, 2021
Monday, October 4, 2021
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Everything's a lie. Nothing is real. And it all ends in tragedy.
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Grand Island, Nebraska - March 28, 1989. Well this is fucked. Two bodies on the floor: one temporarily unconscious - the other, signifi...
